This is my love letter to nonprofit leaders

Dear nonprofit leader,

This is my love letter to you.

Here’s what I love and admire about you:

You are a helper!

You overcome your fears and learn how to fundraise.

You learn to research, to write and speak persuasively, and you get shit done!

Our organizations run because you are focused and motivated to get the relationships we need to sustain the work!

And you often become an incredible entrepreneur, because all of these things help you succeed in business!

 

 

Here’s what I see that is special about you, that you don’t always see in yourself:

You are a change catalyst!

You see the best in people.

You’re an optimist.

You want to believe in a brighter future.

You’ve also been told that you need to roll your sleeves up and do it yourself.

That’s why you work so hard. Because that future can come, if we fund it.

 

How did you get this way?

Are you a bit of an over-giver?

OK me tooooooo

Did a caregiver ever tell you what a good little girl you were?

Remember being little, and helping out all the time? (Uh yeah)

We have been working for free since we were kids.

• We are told to be helpful, smiling, polite, kind, and always in a good mood or we’re bitches.
• Do the emotional and physical labor of cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry and
• Also, keep in contact with relatives, plan events, keep the elders and the kids alive.
• In addition, hold down a full time job or biz.

Sure, this is self oppression, but you know what?

 

It’s REINFORCED AT EVERY LEVEL OF SOCIETY.

We’ve been working for free for so long that when it comes to asking for money and especially asking for more, sometimes we are weak.

And in contrast, the good girl archetype is super strong.

So strong that it prevents us from feeling good about asking, at all, so we ask for 40% of what we want, or 50% of what we want.

Instead of 100% of what we want. So when we get what we asked for, it doesn’t make us feel good.

So, of course you are not asking for 100% of what you want. Of course sometimes people don’t treat you like a leader. Of course you are reactive to judgment and being judged by family, who don’t understand what you do, or why you’re doing it. Of course you’re not getting promoted at work. Of COURSE you’re not getting what you want out of your relationships.

Maybe you have internalized self-judgment about not making it yet. Internalized self-judgment about not being ENOUGH or being TOO MUCH!

And then there’s the childhood trauma, which made you blame yourself, reach for all the self help books, and try so so hard to be better.

Aren’t you sick of trying? Aren’t you sick of helping people and not having time for yourself?

 

3 things I wish you knew…

1. You’ve been such a good helper, your whole life. You don’t have to help others first anymore. You are enough, just as you are. You could NEVER be too much. You get to ask for more.

“Being self-centered and self-serving is an act of love. It is also political because all structures and interpersonal relationships have instructed you not to.” – Charlie’s Toolbox

At the end of your life, there is no reward for those who denied themselves the most, and suppressed their needs and desires. There really isn’t.

1. 2. Our sector exists within a larger historical context and systems of oppression. We often don’t realize that systemic oppression is the reason for most of our organizations to exist. And these systems continue to perpetuate, to hold us back.

We need to create an awareness of our lack of historical awareness, and then EDUCATE ourselves about systemic oppression.

Sociology helps us here. I had a friend who became my brother, Aaron, who died this August, and he was an incredible sociologist. Every time I came to him with my troubles, he put them in a systemic framework.

I interviewed him about hegemonic masculinity and hegemonic femininity on my podcast. I asked him to help edit my presentations and he did a great job. He wrote blog posts for me, called “Your history class sucked on purpose” and more. I wish so hard that he was still here. But since he died, I’ve dedicated myself to helping bring awareness to the frameworks of oppression and history, talking about post-capitalist futures, unlearning and resisting work.

1. 3. I wish you knew that sometimes you don’t see that your willingness to change, and focus, grow and support others, is much greater than their willingness to change and grow. And that includes these systems… which don’t support us. And we keep asking ourselves, why does nothing change?

It’s because you can’t force willingness.

 

How do we move towards unlearning and liberation?

What if you didn’t have to try to prove yourself anymore?

What if you were enough, in this very moment?

I want to help us all get free.

Free of blaming ourselves for problems that existed long before we were born.

Free of the shame and guilt that comes with unhealed childhood trauma, and trying to desperately prove ourselves through over-giving.

I want to get free with you, by your side.

Do you want this too?

Let’s talk. 

 

Love,

Mazarine