According to Robin DiAngelo’s book, White Fragility, she writes:

Here’s what people say their “feelings” are when White Fragility is going on-

• Singled out
• Attacked
• Silenced
• Shamed
• Guilty
• Accused
• Insulted
• Judged
• Angry
• Scared
• Outraged

Here are the behaviors of white fragility-

• Crying
• Physically leaving
• Emotionally withdrawing
• Arguing
• Denying
• Focusing on intentions
• Seeking absolution
• Avoiding

Here are the things people say when white fragility is going on-

• I know people of color
• Out of context Martin Luther King quote
• I marched in the sixties
• I already know all this
• You are judging me
• You don’t know me
• You are generalizing
• That is just your opinion
• I disagree
• The real oppression is class [or gender, or anything other than race]
• You are elitist
• I just said one little innocent thing
• Some people find offense where there is none
• My friend said that this word is not racist therefore I am not being racist.
• You’re playing the race card
• You misunderstood me
• I feel so attacked right now
• The problem is your tone
• That was not my intention
• I have suffered too.
• You hurt my feelings.
• You’re being racist against me
• You are making me feel guilty
• I don’t feel safe.

Here are the assumptions that are going on when white fragility is appearing-

• Racism is simply personal prejudice
• I am free of racism
• I will be the judge of whether racism has occurred
• My learning is finished; I know all I need to know.
• Racism can only be intentional; my not having intended racism cancels out the impact of my behavior
• My suffering relieves me of racism or racial privilege
• White people who experience another form of oppression cannot experience racial privilege.
• If I am a good person, I can’t be racist.
• I am entitled to remain comfortable/have this conversation the way I want to.
• How I am perceived by others is the most important issue.
• As a white person, I know the best way to challenge racism.
• If I am feeling challenged, you are doing this wrong.
• It’s unkind to point out racism.
• Racism is conscious bias. i have none, so I am not racist.
• Racists are bad individuals, so you are saying I am a bad person.
• If you knew me or understood me, you would know I can’t be racist.
• I have friends of color, so I can’t be racist.
• There is no problem, society is fine the way it is.
• Racism is a simple problem. People just need to…
• My worldview is objective, and is the only one operating.
• If I can’t see it, it isn’t legitimate.
• If you have more knowledge on the subject than I do, you think you’re better than me.

Here are the rules of engagement for white fragility.

• Do not give me feedback on my racism under any circumstances. If you DO break this first rule, then
• Proper tone is crucial. feedback must be given calmly. If any emotion is displayed, the feedback is invalid and can be dismissed.
• You must give feedback privately. If you give feedback in front of others, is to commit a serious social transgression. If you cannot protect me from embarrassment, the feedback is invalid, and YOU are the transgressor.
• There must be trust between us. You must trust that I am in no way racist before you can give me feedback on my racism.
• Our relationship must be issue-free- if there are issues between us, you cannot give me feedback on racism until these unrelated issues are resolved.
• You must be as indirect as possible. Directness is insensitive and will invalidate the feedback and require repair.
• As a white person, I must feel completely safe during any discussion of race. Suggesting that I have racist assumptions or patterns will cause me to feel unsafe, so you will need to rebuild my trust by never giving me feedback again.
• Highlighting my racial privilege invalidates the form of oppression that I experience, e.g. classism, sexism, heterosexism, ageism, ableism, transphobia. we will then need to turn out attention to how you oppressed ME.
• You must acknowledge my intentions, always good and agree that my good intentions cancel out the impact of my behavior.
• To suggest my behavior had a racist impact is to have misunderstood me. You will need to allow me to explain myself until you can acknowledge that it was your misunderstanding.

Functions of White Fragility

• Maintain white solidarity
• Close off self-reflection
• Trivialize the reality of racism
• Silence the discussion
• Make white people the victims
• Hijack the conversation
• Protect a limited worldview
• Take race off the table
• Protect white privilege
• Focus on the messenger, not the message
• Rally more resources to white people.

AS A WHITE PERSON, what can you do instead when someone calls out your biases, assumptions or racism?

Say instead:

• I appreciate this feedback.
• This is very helpful.
• It’s my responsibility to resist defensiveness and complacency.
• This is hard, but also stimulating and important.
• Oops!
• It’s inevitable that I have this pattern. I want to change it.
• I will focus on the message and not the messenger.
• I need to build my capacity to endure discomfort and bear witness to the pain of racism.
• I have some work to do.

Change your assumptions to:

• White comfort maintains the racial status quo, so discomfort is necessary and important.
• Racism hurts and even kills people of color every day. Interrupting it is more important than my feelings, ego or self-image.
• My analysis must be intersectional.
• Nothing exempts me from the forces of racism.
• Given my socialization, it is much more likely that I am the one who doesn’t understand the issue.
• I bring my group’s history with me. history matters.
• The antidote to guilt is action.
• I must not confuse comfort with safety. as a white person. I am safe in discussion of racism.
• Authentic anti-racism is rarely comfortable. Discomfort is key to my growth and thus desirable.
• Feedback on white racism is difficult to give, how I am given the feedback is not as relevant as the feedback itself/
• Racism cannot be avoided. All of us are socialized into the system of racism.
• Whites have blind spots on racism, and I have blind spots on racism.
• Racism is complex, and I don’t have to understand every nuance of the feedback to validate that feedback.

When you get caught out, think about how to:

• Minimize our defensiveness.
• Demonstrate our vulnerability.
• Demonstrate our curiosity and humility.
• Allow for growth.
• Stretch our worldview.
• Ensure action.
• Demonstrate that we practice what we profess to value.
• Build authentic relationships and trust.
• Interrupt privilege protecting comfort
• Interrupt internalized superiority.

Resources:

Definitely buy Robin DiAngelo’s book about White Fragility!